An Sionnach

If you came to find a positive post today, let me for warn you, although the destination positive, it will journey through some of the dark places I seem to have found myself during my everyday struggle forward.  This mental space happens to many of us at some point in our lives, whether we choose to share it, or keep it private is solely our discretion.  I am hoping that through sharing that is will give me a firm patchwork of where I am, how I got here, and how to get out; and at the same time maybe add some relief to many of you out there that you are not alone during those trying times, even when it feels like you are, someone has ventured there before you.

Today I found myself in a bit of a mental conundrum.  Much of this isn’t something that happened over night, but over many years.

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When I was a kid, even when I was older, I loved going to sporting events.  It really had nothing to do with seeing anyone athlete than it had to do with seeing and event at the highest level.  Money has always been a part of sports, but the fact that athletes make the amounts they do is ridiculous, even when they give there every effort.  But to be honest this doesn’t match up or even compare to the men and women in our military, police, firefighters, EMT, people that work in Social Services, etc.  I greatly miss going to games, and have always dreamed of going to watch the Olympics at least once. But with ticket prices as they are, and they will only go higher, it doesn’t look very attainable.  Event tickets, transportation, food, hotel, etc you add it all up.

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One of the things I have always wanted to do was skydive.  I can still remember when my dad had worked for a restaurant in Hicksville, NY that was run by skydivers, and had always wondered what would it feel like.

I also remember living in Maine, and actually looking into a 10 course program that would teach me.  It would start of as a tandem jump (which I can’t do know because of my weight, but I can work on this), then slowly move towards finally making a solo jump.  The problem, very expensive. $169-278 per dive, dependent on level, so we are talking roughly 2k.  On very rare situations has this ever been possible, but have always spent my cash on other things, like school loans, paying off the truck, etc.

I have never been one to enter halfway into the woods.  It’s either all the way, or not at all.  So I am hoping that maybe, just maybe I can create this opportunity for myself.  Then again I always have other dreams like spending time in Ireland, Scotland, Japan, Germany, Russia or any one of the Scandinavian countries.

Most of you know I don’t give in to political BS humanitarian/animal rights organizations like Greenpeace, but I have to admit a straight up video by Swiss Animal Protect really struck my gut, and it’s bullshit.

American Indians have always had a well know history of all life being sacred, although at the same time they knew the importance of skins, fur, and animal meat.  For ‘most’, they did this for survival and out of respect for all things living.  The same went for TRUE Traditional Judaic (Kosher) and Muslim (Halal) customs.   If life were to be taken it was done mercifully to the best of their ability, with thanks, and not without purpose.

This is done out of greed, and it saves money.  Just so you can get that nice faux fur at Walmart or some other money saving shop.  And trust me when I say, China is not the only ones doing this, we along with other countries have our issues.  But think about it folks, for years we fought against Communism (not Socialism, but Communism), yet a majority of the products we purchase today come from Communist countries, therefore supplying their governments with the funds to support… what… COMMUNISM and their military.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not against the Chinese people, as people, but come on people use your heads.  You donate money to help those in Haiti, yet we deal with all the other stupidity in the world and in our country.  Then again, it doesn’t matter, it’s not in my backyard.  That’s right, just sweep it under the carpet.  Makes me ashamed, not only because of us humans as a whole, but because I contribute in one way or another to this bullshit as well.

The fact is, many of us will care about this, or something, for a moment, but within a day, if not a minute later, most will care less.

Stupid people do nothing to change the world
Cowards temporarily might do something, then run off and do their own thing and forget about doing anything.
Good people help in any way they are capable.
Real Men and Women actually attempt make a change by “doing something”.

This implies for all things!

What are you?

It’s funny on how much most of us think we NEED to have a mobile phone, to the point that we continue to spend exorbitant amounts, but for what?

I did a little analysis of my phone bill after receiving a nice little add-on cost from Sprint.  Most companies will typically award you a discount if you sign up for the auto payment.  Sprint decided to go the other route, they instead are going to penalize you by charging an extra $4 unless you sign up.  This would put me at roughly $55 a month after fees and what not.  Not to bad right?  It is when you consider that fact that when you look at your usage.

I am set up on the minimal plan, but with data (which I use far more).  Most of my minutes are not used, like 80-90% of them. Majority of that 20% has been solicitors, or bills, and a small amount of that is used for work or for talking with family or a friend.  I am finding this to be a complete waste of money, especially since my phone hardly if ever rings.

So just a heads up to everyone I will be switching to a home phone.  For the 1st month or so, most of the calls will go to my computer through SKYPE, as soon as I have the $169 I will be picking up a router based SKYPE phone.  Over the two years I would need to renew my contract this would save me $1115 over the two years. SKYPE has become highly reliable over the years, and is a cost effective choice for how much I ACTUALLY use the phone.  The cool thing is I can still check my messages with my iTouch with the Skype app and a wireless network.  Now if I can find a way to use my bluetooth with my iTouch and SKYPE app we would be all set.

I just finished viewing my annual all-nighter of watching Tom Hanks and Stephen Ambrose’ “Band of Brothers”.  I can’t help but think that as much as I have done, it does not compare to all these men have given of themselves: Physically, Mentally, and Emotionally.  I can’t possibly think of a thing that could ever show my appreciation for every thing that you have given and to show my thanks.  I could only dream of a moment where I could meet each of you to shake your hand, or anyone else that gave everything.

I look back at my own life, and think about the numerous things that I, and so many others have given up for others.  I can think of Mary L, who had the shit kicked out of her to protect a youth from 9 others who were trying to attack him; or maybe it’s Mike who dislocated his arm attempting to protect his group from someone who was violent.  But none of it seems like enough.

I spend much of my time now working with mentally ill teens, many of which are not successful, either due to them being so mentally ill, or have been so far damaged by their parents.  In some ways I relate to the guys at Bastogne.  Limited tools, limited resources, and basically stuck, knowing I just need to do what I need to do knowing that perseverance just may pay off, but at the same time watching my team being worn down.  I can’t help but think of the guys that spent that time in the woods with limited food, freezing cold, and watching their brothers die around them, thinking that this is nothing compared to what they went through.

At the same time I can identify with them, that empty feeling, wondering, what is it all for, just hoping that I have the strength to persevere.

I was heading out to the store last night to grab some food.  Along my way, I came across a bread truck sitting by the side of the road, and I couldn’t help but think of one of my fondest memories of my Dad and I.  He had worked the overnight shift for a bread company dropping off loaves of bread to the local supermarkets, and deli’s.  My father was always one to do whatever it took to make sure ends were to meet at home.  This would of course sometimes interfere with some of our personal time.  But Dad was always one to make sure one way or another family didn’t take a back seat.  My father one day asked me if I would like to join him during the overnights on the weekends to help deliver bread.  I can’t even remember how old I was, but I had jumped at the chance.  I can remember many a night riding in that big truck, getting orders ready, dropping them off in their bins or bringing them into the supermarket, and then falling asleep on the way home on the shelves of the truck.  To this day I can still remember the smell of the bread, standing by the open door of the truck, and just chilling with Dad.

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Although surrounded, I… alone…
…look at this blank space before me…
wondering…
wear did I divert from my happiness?

The question…?

…will that path…
entwine with mine once again.

I can only hope, for I am the only one with the power to change such things!
-Kitsu

LOL, not really.  Since I have moved into the Lakeview Apts, 3811 W. 68th Ave, Westminster, CO I have been compelled to write this review a few months ago.

Pros: Not many really, has a pool, eh, yay!! Low cost. ummm, yeah. Oh and the owner of the nearby 7-11 is uber cool. Right near a lake (nice homes on the Denver side)

Cons: Lets see, what to begin with. Sewerage smell comes and goes regularly. Car windows busted out one time (car stereo stolen, along with a few other items). They get the carports mixed up, this led to the previous carport owner to decide to handle things on his own by attempting to pull my truck out with his jeep, when he couldn’t, pushed the truck back in the carport and into the car in front of me. By the way tenant still here (parked in the back left). Multiple items (stereo, and Art Degree) of mine have been destroyed by water coming through the ceiling (on the 3rd floor?). Drippy faucets, noisy facility. They just paint over the dirt when a new tenant comes in. Police are here regularly (that could be a good thing, that they show up). School directly next door, kids like to come over and smoke in front of the apartment complexes. 3 taverns/ bars basically right next door. And one resident who was a registered sex offender (moved out a month or so ago).

Since then there have been reports of bedbugs, roaches and mice (thankfully none of which I have had to experience (Then again always had lots of mice in the Appalachian Trail)), on top of which multiple incidents of people parking in my paid carport.  Also multiple reported incidents of gunfire (during the day and night), one of which led to a barricaded suspect and a SWAT team had to come in, LOL.

Personally since then have had multiple leaks (4 in total) in the ceiling that lasted 4 days, each day filling a large kitchen trash can full of water.  The apartment is old so has a under layer of paint that is lead based, as well as asbestos being used.  This month they are planning 3 inspections (1 by them, 1 by someone who needs to spray for bedbugs and roaches, and a 3rd by the city).  What a huge inconvenience, I need to move and cover everything, the place is a mess now due to shifting everything around.

Now I know why I stay single,  I would never bring anyone here,but  just can’t afford better right now.  Pretty much been living on the shit side of things since I left Asheville. (Looney landlord when I rented a room in Tarzana, CA; motel room in Culver City, CA, and here. ) Oh wait did have some time using my nephews rooms, not ideal, but did see my sister, brother in-law, and nephews more often, so that was a plus.

Nice duplex, view of the woods, in the mountains, great housemate, a motorcycle, truck (plus able to take my work truck home), Internet/Full line up of cable with HD on a widescreen, bears that would walk through the yard, and I worked IN the mountains.  What the hell happened?  Oh yeah, got lovestruck, engaged and moved to Los Angeles.  Baaaahh.  Stupidity.

I keep getting direct hits from Washington. Possibly Seattle? Anyone I know?