An Sionnach

The lease is finally up. Although I missed the opportunity to move into the condo my sister had on the market, some friends of mine opened up one of their rooms. Much nicer neighborhood, located up in Erie, CO. Saves me $179 in rent alone, shared utilities, and closer (much closer to work). Final day in the drippy drip cave of Westminster, March 31.

It’s true, Acid trips you out, makes you all funky, weird and off balance. It knocks out your immune system, encourages tumor growth( aka Cancer), it makes you sluggish and tired. You may be wondering what the heck I am talking about. I am referring to body pH.

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts things haven’t been so balanced lately. I spend more time focusing on others than myself. I have been sick more, and stressed more. In return I have been eating more poorly. Junk food, processed food, meats, not enough water, lots of sports drinks and soda, add to which, alcohol. All of these adjust your body to be more acidic, which in return brings you to all the things I mentioned above.

So here I am, feeling blaah and I decided to do a bit of research about food, and it all came together. So I quickly ran out to the store and picked up some veggies higher in alkaline. And after the first few well chomped up carrots I already noticed my stomach slightly more settled, the mucous in the back of my throat. I’ll admit it didn’t make an abrupt change, but enough of one that said I have not been eating well at all. Apparently you are suppose to have a 4:1 ratio of alkalines to acids, and I judging from my recent diet am probably close to 1:4, if not lower. No wonder I felt so bleck.

So for my first change, it’s time for a food change. A friend of mine just recently did a veggie only diet for 40 days to help detox. I think I am due, it is Lent after all.

If you came to find a positive post today, let me for warn you, although the destination positive, it will journey through some of the dark places I seem to have found myself during my everyday struggle forward.  This mental space happens to many of us at some point in our lives, whether we choose to share it, or keep it private is solely our discretion.  I am hoping that through sharing that is will give me a firm patchwork of where I am, how I got here, and how to get out; and at the same time maybe add some relief to many of you out there that you are not alone during those trying times, even when it feels like you are, someone has ventured there before you.

Today I found myself in a bit of a mental conundrum.  Much of this isn’t something that happened over night, but over many years.

For the most part I have spent most of my life doing things for others.  I have always found great joy in attempting to improve the lives of those around me, so much that I rarely have ever taken time for myself.  Typically I would use vacation days, not for vacation, but to do something for someone else, whether it was a simple as volunteering for the FD, my years as a Franciscan, helping out in Honduras to spending two years working in the woods (with a work schedule that would run 5-22 days, 24 hours a day) to now working a schedule that takes up the typical hours that most people are getting together.

In most instances this would usually lift me up and would feel great about myself; but it seems the past two years have been a steady decline.  It all started when I moved across the country to get married.  I had sold my motorcycle to pay for the engagement ring, as well as many of my other belongings in order to pay the cost for rent and the trip across country.  I was first met with the issue of not being able to find work, on top of which the room I rented was owned by a woman who ended up pulling a knife on me, and threatened to break all my belongings.  I ended up spending the next month living in a motel in Culver City, all while at the same time my relationship was disintegrating at a rapid rate.  Down to my last few hundred dollars I moved to Denver.  Thanks to my sister, I had a place to stay until I found work, and could get a place of my own.  Somewhere in those 3 months in LA I feel like I seriously lost something deep inside.  The first of this was my faith, in Man, as well as any faith in God.  Life became empty.  I found myself spending most of my time working, and when not working completely withdrawn.  Most, if not all of my days off were in my apartment, alone.  It was odd, it’s been almost 2 years here, and it wasn’t until the other day that I actually had my first visitor, to my apartment, the void.  No furniture, plastic wear for dishes (much of this was donated to Goodwill when I left Asheville).  I just spent the holidays working.  I have pretty much lost touch with the world, that is until the Olympics.

The Olympics have always been something about perseverance, giving your all in the face of adversity, and here I was… lost.  Physically I have been feeling sick for the past few months, my creativity has been on a huge decline as well, but today was the first time after spending a few days off that my mind pushed back.  It completely embraced hopelessness, and I felt so disconnected from everything.  I realized how much I missed believing in something, I missed holding someone in my arms, I missed seeing the things I did bear fruit, I missed making a a real difference, for the first time in my life I TRULY felt alone.

So while many of you are giving up things for Lent, I think I am going to spend this time struggling to find myself again. With this, there are definitely some things I will be giving up, they are not helping me, but actually starting to tear me down now.  I need to make some changes socially.  I need to find something to be involved in, with people, and purpose.  I need to take a vacation for myself as soon as I am able.  So while all of you give up something for Lent, I am going to struggle to take something back…my life, my health, and my happiness.

It’s funny on how much most of us think we NEED to have a mobile phone, to the point that we continue to spend exorbitant amounts, but for what?

I did a little analysis of my phone bill after receiving a nice little add-on cost from Sprint.  Most companies will typically award you a discount if you sign up for the auto payment.  Sprint decided to go the other route, they instead are going to penalize you by charging an extra $4 unless you sign up.  This would put me at roughly $55 a month after fees and what not.  Not to bad right?  It is when you consider that fact that when you look at your usage.

I am set up on the minimal plan, but with data (which I use far more).  Most of my minutes are not used, like 80-90% of them. Majority of that 20% has been solicitors, or bills, and a small amount of that is used for work or for talking with family or a friend.  I am finding this to be a complete waste of money, especially since my phone hardly if ever rings.

So just a heads up to everyone I will be switching to a home phone.  For the 1st month or so, most of the calls will go to my computer through SKYPE, as soon as I have the $169 I will be picking up a router based SKYPE phone.  Over the two years I would need to renew my contract this would save me $1115 over the two years. SKYPE has become highly reliable over the years, and is a cost effective choice for how much I ACTUALLY use the phone.  The cool thing is I can still check my messages with my iTouch with the Skype app and a wireless network.  Now if I can find a way to use my bluetooth with my iTouch and SKYPE app we would be all set.

I just finished viewing my annual all-nighter of watching Tom Hanks and Stephen Ambrose’ “Band of Brothers”.  I can’t help but think that as much as I have done, it does not compare to all these men have given of themselves: Physically, Mentally, and Emotionally.  I can’t possibly think of a thing that could ever show my appreciation for every thing that you have given and to show my thanks.  I could only dream of a moment where I could meet each of you to shake your hand, or anyone else that gave everything.

I look back at my own life, and think about the numerous things that I, and so many others have given up for others.  I can think of Mary L, who had the shit kicked out of her to protect a youth from 9 others who were trying to attack him; or maybe it’s Mike who dislocated his arm attempting to protect his group from someone who was violent.  But none of it seems like enough.

I spend much of my time now working with mentally ill teens, many of which are not successful, either due to them being so mentally ill, or have been so far damaged by their parents.  In some ways I relate to the guys at Bastogne.  Limited tools, limited resources, and basically stuck, knowing I just need to do what I need to do knowing that perseverance just may pay off, but at the same time watching my team being worn down.  I can’t help but think of the guys that spent that time in the woods with limited food, freezing cold, and watching their brothers die around them, thinking that this is nothing compared to what they went through.

At the same time I can identify with them, that empty feeling, wondering, what is it all for, just hoping that I have the strength to persevere.

I was heading out to the store last night to grab some food.  Along my way, I came across a bread truck sitting by the side of the road, and I couldn’t help but think of one of my fondest memories of my Dad and I.  He had worked the overnight shift for a bread company dropping off loaves of bread to the local supermarkets, and deli’s.  My father was always one to do whatever it took to make sure ends were to meet at home.  This would of course sometimes interfere with some of our personal time.  But Dad was always one to make sure one way or another family didn’t take a back seat.  My father one day asked me if I would like to join him during the overnights on the weekends to help deliver bread.  I can’t even remember how old I was, but I had jumped at the chance.  I can remember many a night riding in that big truck, getting orders ready, dropping them off in their bins or bringing them into the supermarket, and then falling asleep on the way home on the shelves of the truck.  To this day I can still remember the smell of the bread, standing by the open door of the truck, and just chilling with Dad.

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Although surrounded, I… alone…
…look at this blank space before me…
wondering…
wear did I divert from my happiness?

The question…?

…will that path…
entwine with mine once again.

I can only hope, for I am the only one with the power to change such things!
-Kitsu

LOL, not really.  Since I have moved into the Lakeview Apts, 3811 W. 68th Ave, Westminster, CO I have been compelled to write this review a few months ago.

Pros: Not many really, has a pool, eh, yay!! Low cost. ummm, yeah. Oh and the owner of the nearby 7-11 is uber cool. Right near a lake (nice homes on the Denver side)

Cons: Lets see, what to begin with. Sewerage smell comes and goes regularly. Car windows busted out one time (car stereo stolen, along with a few other items). They get the carports mixed up, this led to the previous carport owner to decide to handle things on his own by attempting to pull my truck out with his jeep, when he couldn’t, pushed the truck back in the carport and into the car in front of me. By the way tenant still here (parked in the back left). Multiple items (stereo, and Art Degree) of mine have been destroyed by water coming through the ceiling (on the 3rd floor?). Drippy faucets, noisy facility. They just paint over the dirt when a new tenant comes in. Police are here regularly (that could be a good thing, that they show up). School directly next door, kids like to come over and smoke in front of the apartment complexes. 3 taverns/ bars basically right next door. And one resident who was a registered sex offender (moved out a month or so ago).

Since then there have been reports of bedbugs, roaches and mice (thankfully none of which I have had to experience (Then again always had lots of mice in the Appalachian Trail)), on top of which multiple incidents of people parking in my paid carport.  Also multiple reported incidents of gunfire (during the day and night), one of which led to a barricaded suspect and a SWAT team had to come in, LOL.

Personally since then have had multiple leaks (4 in total) in the ceiling that lasted 4 days, each day filling a large kitchen trash can full of water.  The apartment is old so has a under layer of paint that is lead based, as well as asbestos being used.  This month they are planning 3 inspections (1 by them, 1 by someone who needs to spray for bedbugs and roaches, and a 3rd by the city).  What a huge inconvenience, I need to move and cover everything, the place is a mess now due to shifting everything around.

Now I know why I stay single,  I would never bring anyone here,but  just can’t afford better right now.  Pretty much been living on the shit side of things since I left Asheville. (Looney landlord when I rented a room in Tarzana, CA; motel room in Culver City, CA, and here. ) Oh wait did have some time using my nephews rooms, not ideal, but did see my sister, brother in-law, and nephews more often, so that was a plus.

Nice duplex, view of the woods, in the mountains, great housemate, a motorcycle, truck (plus able to take my work truck home), Internet/Full line up of cable with HD on a widescreen, bears that would walk through the yard, and I worked IN the mountains.  What the hell happened?  Oh yeah, got lovestruck, engaged and moved to Los Angeles.  Baaaahh.  Stupidity.

I keep getting direct hits from Washington. Possibly Seattle? Anyone I know?

It’s hard to believe I have been on this earth for 41 years. Even more interesting is the memories and highlights I have (In no specific order):

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