An Sionnach

If you came to find a positive post today, let me for warn you, although the destination positive, it will journey through some of the dark places I seem to have found myself during my everyday struggle forward.  This mental space happens to many of us at some point in our lives, whether we choose to share it, or keep it private is solely our discretion.  I am hoping that through sharing that is will give me a firm patchwork of where I am, how I got here, and how to get out; and at the same time maybe add some relief to many of you out there that you are not alone during those trying times, even when it feels like you are, someone has ventured there before you.

Today I found myself in a bit of a mental conundrum.  Much of this isn’t something that happened over night, but over many years.

For the most part I have spent most of my life doing things for others.  I have always found great joy in attempting to improve the lives of those around me, so much that I rarely have ever taken time for myself.  Typically I would use vacation days, not for vacation, but to do something for someone else, whether it was a simple as volunteering for the FD, my years as a Franciscan, helping out in Honduras to spending two years working in the woods (with a work schedule that would run 5-22 days, 24 hours a day) to now working a schedule that takes up the typical hours that most people are getting together.

In most instances this would usually lift me up and would feel great about myself; but it seems the past two years have been a steady decline.  It all started when I moved across the country to get married.  I had sold my motorcycle to pay for the engagement ring, as well as many of my other belongings in order to pay the cost for rent and the trip across country.  I was first met with the issue of not being able to find work, on top of which the room I rented was owned by a woman who ended up pulling a knife on me, and threatened to break all my belongings.  I ended up spending the next month living in a motel in Culver City, all while at the same time my relationship was disintegrating at a rapid rate.  Down to my last few hundred dollars I moved to Denver.  Thanks to my sister, I had a place to stay until I found work, and could get a place of my own.  Somewhere in those 3 months in LA I feel like I seriously lost something deep inside.  The first of this was my faith, in Man, as well as any faith in God.  Life became empty.  I found myself spending most of my time working, and when not working completely withdrawn.  Most, if not all of my days off were in my apartment, alone.  It was odd, it’s been almost 2 years here, and it wasn’t until the other day that I actually had my first visitor, to my apartment, the void.  No furniture, plastic wear for dishes (much of this was donated to Goodwill when I left Asheville).  I just spent the holidays working.  I have pretty much lost touch with the world, that is until the Olympics.

The Olympics have always been something about perseverance, giving your all in the face of adversity, and here I was… lost.  Physically I have been feeling sick for the past few months, my creativity has been on a huge decline as well, but today was the first time after spending a few days off that my mind pushed back.  It completely embraced hopelessness, and I felt so disconnected from everything.  I realized how much I missed believing in something, I missed holding someone in my arms, I missed seeing the things I did bear fruit, I missed making a a real difference, for the first time in my life I TRULY felt alone.

So while many of you are giving up things for Lent, I think I am going to spend this time struggling to find myself again. With this, there are definitely some things I will be giving up, they are not helping me, but actually starting to tear me down now.  I need to make some changes socially.  I need to find something to be involved in, with people, and purpose.  I need to take a vacation for myself as soon as I am able.  So while all of you give up something for Lent, I am going to struggle to take something back…my life, my health, and my happiness.

When I was a kid, even when I was older, I loved going to sporting events.  It really had nothing to do with seeing anyone athlete than it had to do with seeing and event at the highest level.  Money has always been a part of sports, but the fact that athletes make the amounts they do is ridiculous, even when they give there every effort.  But to be honest this doesn’t match up or even compare to the men and women in our military, police, firefighters, EMT, people that work in Social Services, etc.  I greatly miss going to games, and have always dreamed of going to watch the Olympics at least once. But with ticket prices as they are, and they will only go higher, it doesn’t look very attainable.  Event tickets, transportation, food, hotel, etc you add it all up.

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One of the things I have always wanted to do was skydive.  I can still remember when my dad had worked for a restaurant in Hicksville, NY that was run by skydivers, and had always wondered what would it feel like.

I also remember living in Maine, and actually looking into a 10 course program that would teach me.  It would start of as a tandem jump (which I can’t do know because of my weight, but I can work on this), then slowly move towards finally making a solo jump.  The problem, very expensive. $169-278 per dive, dependent on level, so we are talking roughly 2k.  On very rare situations has this ever been possible, but have always spent my cash on other things, like school loans, paying off the truck, etc.

I have never been one to enter halfway into the woods.  It’s either all the way, or not at all.  So I am hoping that maybe, just maybe I can create this opportunity for myself.  Then again I always have other dreams like spending time in Ireland, Scotland, Japan, Germany, Russia or any one of the Scandinavian countries.

I just finished viewing my annual all-nighter of watching Tom Hanks and Stephen Ambrose’ “Band of Brothers”.  I can’t help but think that as much as I have done, it does not compare to all these men have given of themselves: Physically, Mentally, and Emotionally.  I can’t possibly think of a thing that could ever show my appreciation for every thing that you have given and to show my thanks.  I could only dream of a moment where I could meet each of you to shake your hand, or anyone else that gave everything.

I look back at my own life, and think about the numerous things that I, and so many others have given up for others.  I can think of Mary L, who had the shit kicked out of her to protect a youth from 9 others who were trying to attack him; or maybe it’s Mike who dislocated his arm attempting to protect his group from someone who was violent.  But none of it seems like enough.

I spend much of my time now working with mentally ill teens, many of which are not successful, either due to them being so mentally ill, or have been so far damaged by their parents.  In some ways I relate to the guys at Bastogne.  Limited tools, limited resources, and basically stuck, knowing I just need to do what I need to do knowing that perseverance just may pay off, but at the same time watching my team being worn down.  I can’t help but think of the guys that spent that time in the woods with limited food, freezing cold, and watching their brothers die around them, thinking that this is nothing compared to what they went through.

At the same time I can identify with them, that empty feeling, wondering, what is it all for, just hoping that I have the strength to persevere.

I was heading out to the store last night to grab some food.  Along my way, I came across a bread truck sitting by the side of the road, and I couldn’t help but think of one of my fondest memories of my Dad and I.  He had worked the overnight shift for a bread company dropping off loaves of bread to the local supermarkets, and deli’s.  My father was always one to do whatever it took to make sure ends were to meet at home.  This would of course sometimes interfere with some of our personal time.  But Dad was always one to make sure one way or another family didn’t take a back seat.  My father one day asked me if I would like to join him during the overnights on the weekends to help deliver bread.  I can’t even remember how old I was, but I had jumped at the chance.  I can remember many a night riding in that big truck, getting orders ready, dropping them off in their bins or bringing them into the supermarket, and then falling asleep on the way home on the shelves of the truck.  To this day I can still remember the smell of the bread, standing by the open door of the truck, and just chilling with Dad.

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Although surrounded, I… alone…
…look at this blank space before me…
wondering…
wear did I divert from my happiness?

The question…?

…will that path…
entwine with mine once again.

I can only hope, for I am the only one with the power to change such things!
-Kitsu

Just took this very quick and easy test to see what side of the political gamut I fell on. I have to say it’s pretty close to what longer tests have brought me to, and may be a ’small’ groundwork to gaining a bit of an understanding to your own political compass.

It’s hard to believe I have been on this earth for 41 years. Even more interesting is the memories and highlights I have (In no specific order):

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Alright so in a recent post I mentioned about how some dude decided he had married some anime character from a game.  I also mentioned that this was going to be the future and evolution of the US… for so many reasons.  The problem is, we don’t know how to handle it.  Makes me wonder why I, along with other have the unappreciated, and underpaid job to deal with things that so many parents fall short on.

Mom calls 911 due to sons video game obsession

and in further ridiculous calls to the police.

Man busted by peeping  jane for being nude in HIS home making coffee.

And people wonder why I am anti-social.  LOL

I noticed on my Facebook that some people answered some Q&A about me, and to be quite honest I haven’t a clue who you are and what you chose, although a bit flattered. Here is results as to what is shown to me.

Do you think that Todd Ricker is cute? Yes

FLATTERED!!! Now who are you and are you cute as well? ~.^  Be at my doorstep tomorrow!!!!!!!!

Do you think that Todd Ricker is smarter than George W. Bush? Yes

Isn’t everyone?

Do you think that Todd Ricker has ever gone to a strip club? Yes

OK yes I have, but only 3x ever. 21st birthday, Bachelor Party, and a coming home, ship you back off party. Believe it or not, that’s it.

Do you think that Todd Ricker has ever played beer pong? Yes

LOL, nope, never did the beer pong thing.

Do you think that Todd Ricker likes chick flicks? Yes

Well of course I like movies with girls in them. =P

Do you think that Todd Ricker cried while watching the Titanic? Yes

Cried or teared up? Really, I had something in my eye, I really did. No, REEEEAAAALLLYYY!!!

Do you think that Todd Ricker would look good in tights? Yes

You have GOT to be kidding me, what drugs are you on, and please give me some.

Do you think Todd Ricker was a Dork in high school? No

LOL, deceived you all. I was a dork, still am, although with a stronger leaning towards geek now. ((o.O))