An Sionnach

Yes, you have it right, it’s been 42 years and I am still single, never been married, and have no children.  It’s not to say that I haven’t had my opportunities.  I have met some wonderful and amazing women over the years.  But, time, circumstances, dynamics, and choices have all prevented the norm from happening.  And while most men who have remained single have spent that time furthering their careers, I on the other hand have spent much of my days experiencing life.  I can’t say that it doesn’t come with a cost, as it most certainly does.

The fact of the matter is, that while there are many beautiful women out there, there are a select few that you connect with, they make you feel complete in one way or another.  But the truth is this doesn’t always go both ways, for many reasons: age, interests, you work together, education, psychology, body type, this list goes on and on.  It seems these are the ones I seem to find myself drawn to.  I sometimes wish that God, whoever or whatever that omnipotent power is, would give us some way to identify and cause ones paths to cross.  And although I am quite content at being single, there is that one person I run across that makes me wish I wasn’t.  ‘Sometimes’ the feelings are not necessarily mutual.

I have heard a lot of ranting amongst the OFP community how CM (CodeMasters) has deviated there most recent edition of MilSim shooters to the gaming world.  I have yet to purchase it yet, but it has had me thinking.  Most of us love Operation Flashpoint/ARMA/ARMA 2 because it has a much more realistic approach to Military based FPS than Call of Duty, Medal of Honor as well as Battlefield. But the facts are apparent; OFP:RR has taken a more acceptable (amongst the gaming world) approach to FPS.

Games like OFP and ARMA are a hard concept for most to accept, they want action, they want something that what they perceive to be real, actually IS.  Many of us old OFP and ARMA fans no that most games don’t even as close to this as we would like.  But would it be nice if those who played COD, MOF and BF had a closer attachment to a more RL sim.  Sure we know a lot of this is about money, especially during these times where companies are trying to keep there head above water, especially when so many dollars are spent in development.  The fact of the matter is CM needs to make some form of acceptable approach to the gaming community.  Personally, I think they should have never done this under the OFP name.  But I think, that if they can keep ARMA as a more realistic approach to MilSim and use OFP to help those trigger happy shooters over to something a bit more realistic, it’s acceptable.

CM if your listening.  Keep ARMA for us hardcore MilSim fans, and use OFP to show those trigger happy FPSrs that there is something better out there.  JMHO

I did a quick link to a post of the Cheyenne telling a story of a great flood that covered the earth over on Facebook.  This has led to nice little discussion that I thought would do well as a continued discussion in the blog. Feel free to jump in.

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If you came to find a positive post today, let me for warn you, although the destination positive, it will journey through some of the dark places I seem to have found myself during my everyday struggle forward.  This mental space happens to many of us at some point in our lives, whether we choose to share it, or keep it private is solely our discretion.  I am hoping that through sharing that is will give me a firm patchwork of where I am, how I got here, and how to get out; and at the same time maybe add some relief to many of you out there that you are not alone during those trying times, even when it feels like you are, someone has ventured there before you.

Today I found myself in a bit of a mental conundrum.  Much of this isn’t something that happened over night, but over many years.

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When I was a kid, even when I was older, I loved going to sporting events.  It really had nothing to do with seeing anyone athlete than it had to do with seeing and event at the highest level.  Money has always been a part of sports, but the fact that athletes make the amounts they do is ridiculous, even when they give there every effort.  But to be honest this doesn’t match up or even compare to the men and women in our military, police, firefighters, EMT, people that work in Social Services, etc.  I greatly miss going to games, and have always dreamed of going to watch the Olympics at least once. But with ticket prices as they are, and they will only go higher, it doesn’t look very attainable.  Event tickets, transportation, food, hotel, etc you add it all up.

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One of the things I have always wanted to do was skydive.  I can still remember when my dad had worked for a restaurant in Hicksville, NY that was run by skydivers, and had always wondered what would it feel like.

I also remember living in Maine, and actually looking into a 10 course program that would teach me.  It would start of as a tandem jump (which I can’t do know because of my weight, but I can work on this), then slowly move towards finally making a solo jump.  The problem, very expensive. $169-278 per dive, dependent on level, so we are talking roughly 2k.  On very rare situations has this ever been possible, but have always spent my cash on other things, like school loans, paying off the truck, etc.

I have never been one to enter halfway into the woods.  It’s either all the way, or not at all.  So I am hoping that maybe, just maybe I can create this opportunity for myself.  Then again I always have other dreams like spending time in Ireland, Scotland, Japan, Germany, Russia or any one of the Scandinavian countries.

I just finished viewing my annual all-nighter of watching Tom Hanks and Stephen Ambrose’ “Band of Brothers”.  I can’t help but think that as much as I have done, it does not compare to all these men have given of themselves: Physically, Mentally, and Emotionally.  I can’t possibly think of a thing that could ever show my appreciation for every thing that you have given and to show my thanks.  I could only dream of a moment where I could meet each of you to shake your hand, or anyone else that gave everything.

I look back at my own life, and think about the numerous things that I, and so many others have given up for others.  I can think of Mary L, who had the shit kicked out of her to protect a youth from 9 others who were trying to attack him; or maybe it’s Mike who dislocated his arm attempting to protect his group from someone who was violent.  But none of it seems like enough.

I spend much of my time now working with mentally ill teens, many of which are not successful, either due to them being so mentally ill, or have been so far damaged by their parents.  In some ways I relate to the guys at Bastogne.  Limited tools, limited resources, and basically stuck, knowing I just need to do what I need to do knowing that perseverance just may pay off, but at the same time watching my team being worn down.  I can’t help but think of the guys that spent that time in the woods with limited food, freezing cold, and watching their brothers die around them, thinking that this is nothing compared to what they went through.

At the same time I can identify with them, that empty feeling, wondering, what is it all for, just hoping that I have the strength to persevere.

I was heading out to the store last night to grab some food.  Along my way, I came across a bread truck sitting by the side of the road, and I couldn’t help but think of one of my fondest memories of my Dad and I.  He had worked the overnight shift for a bread company dropping off loaves of bread to the local supermarkets, and deli’s.  My father was always one to do whatever it took to make sure ends were to meet at home.  This would of course sometimes interfere with some of our personal time.  But Dad was always one to make sure one way or another family didn’t take a back seat.  My father one day asked me if I would like to join him during the overnights on the weekends to help deliver bread.  I can’t even remember how old I was, but I had jumped at the chance.  I can remember many a night riding in that big truck, getting orders ready, dropping them off in their bins or bringing them into the supermarket, and then falling asleep on the way home on the shelves of the truck.  To this day I can still remember the smell of the bread, standing by the open door of the truck, and just chilling with Dad.

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Although surrounded, I… alone…
…look at this blank space before me…
wondering…
wear did I divert from my happiness?

The question…?

…will that path…
entwine with mine once again.

I can only hope, for I am the only one with the power to change such things!
-Kitsu

Just took this very quick and easy test to see what side of the political gamut I fell on. I have to say it’s pretty close to what longer tests have brought me to, and may be a ‘small’ groundwork to gaining a bit of an understanding to your own political compass.