An Sionnach

Alright I have been thinking of putting together a small little resource site for parents, teachers, treatment counselors, and possibly law enforcement pertaining to information relating to gangs. But I need a good name. Any ideas? Maybe a combination of words to make another word. Like GRASP (Gang Rescue and Support Project (Already used)).

Here are some ideas to get you started.

DroppingTheFlag.com

The lease is finally up. Although I missed the opportunity to move into the condo my sister had on the market, some friends of mine opened up one of their rooms. Much nicer neighborhood, located up in Erie, CO. Saves me $179 in rent alone, shared utilities, and closer (much closer to work). Final day in the drippy drip cave of Westminster, March 31.

It’s true, Acid trips you out, makes you all funky, weird and off balance. It knocks out your immune system, encourages tumor growth( aka Cancer), it makes you sluggish and tired. You may be wondering what the heck I am talking about. I am referring to body pH.

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts things haven’t been so balanced lately. I spend more time focusing on others than myself. I have been sick more, and stressed more. In return I have been eating more poorly. Junk food, processed food, meats, not enough water, lots of sports drinks and soda, add to which, alcohol. All of these adjust your body to be more acidic, which in return brings you to all the things I mentioned above.

So here I am, feeling blaah and I decided to do a bit of research about food, and it all came together. So I quickly ran out to the store and picked up some veggies higher in alkaline. And after the first few well chomped up carrots I already noticed my stomach slightly more settled, the mucous in the back of my throat. I’ll admit it didn’t make an abrupt change, but enough of one that said I have not been eating well at all. Apparently you are suppose to have a 4:1 ratio of alkalines to acids, and I judging from my recent diet am probably close to 1:4, if not lower. No wonder I felt so bleck.

So for my first change, it’s time for a food change. A friend of mine just recently did a veggie only diet for 40 days to help detox. I think I am due, it is Lent after all.

Some great memories of one of highlights of my life through 4 guys who filmed their hike on the Appalachian Trail.

If you came to find a positive post today, let me for warn you, although the destination positive, it will journey through some of the dark places I seem to have found myself during my everyday struggle forward.  This mental space happens to many of us at some point in our lives, whether we choose to share it, or keep it private is solely our discretion.  I am hoping that through sharing that is will give me a firm patchwork of where I am, how I got here, and how to get out; and at the same time maybe add some relief to many of you out there that you are not alone during those trying times, even when it feels like you are, someone has ventured there before you.

Today I found myself in a bit of a mental conundrum.  Much of this isn’t something that happened over night, but over many years.

For the most part I have spent most of my life doing things for others.  I have always found great joy in attempting to improve the lives of those around me, so much that I rarely have ever taken time for myself.  Typically I would use vacation days, not for vacation, but to do something for someone else, whether it was a simple as volunteering for the FD, my years as a Franciscan, helping out in Honduras to spending two years working in the woods (with a work schedule that would run 5-22 days, 24 hours a day) to now working a schedule that takes up the typical hours that most people are getting together.

In most instances this would usually lift me up and would feel great about myself; but it seems the past two years have been a steady decline.  It all started when I moved across the country to get married.  I had sold my motorcycle to pay for the engagement ring, as well as many of my other belongings in order to pay the cost for rent and the trip across country.  I was first met with the issue of not being able to find work, on top of which the room I rented was owned by a woman who ended up pulling a knife on me, and threatened to break all my belongings.  I ended up spending the next month living in a motel in Culver City, all while at the same time my relationship was disintegrating at a rapid rate.  Down to my last few hundred dollars I moved to Denver.  Thanks to my sister, I had a place to stay until I found work, and could get a place of my own.  Somewhere in those 3 months in LA I feel like I seriously lost something deep inside.  The first of this was my faith, in Man, as well as any faith in God.  Life became empty.  I found myself spending most of my time working, and when not working completely withdrawn.  Most, if not all of my days off were in my apartment, alone.  It was odd, it’s been almost 2 years here, and it wasn’t until the other day that I actually had my first visitor, to my apartment, the void.  No furniture, plastic wear for dishes (much of this was donated to Goodwill when I left Asheville).  I just spent the holidays working.  I have pretty much lost touch with the world, that is until the Olympics.

The Olympics have always been something about perseverance, giving your all in the face of adversity, and here I was… lost.  Physically I have been feeling sick for the past few months, my creativity has been on a huge decline as well, but today was the first time after spending a few days off that my mind pushed back.  It completely embraced hopelessness, and I felt so disconnected from everything.  I realized how much I missed believing in something, I missed holding someone in my arms, I missed seeing the things I did bear fruit, I missed making a a real difference, for the first time in my life I TRULY felt alone.

So while many of you are giving up things for Lent, I think I am going to spend this time struggling to find myself again. With this, there are definitely some things I will be giving up, they are not helping me, but actually starting to tear me down now.  I need to make some changes socially.  I need to find something to be involved in, with people, and purpose.  I need to take a vacation for myself as soon as I am able.  So while all of you give up something for Lent, I am going to struggle to take something back…my life, my health, and my happiness.

When I was a kid, even when I was older, I loved going to sporting events.  It really had nothing to do with seeing anyone athlete than it had to do with seeing and event at the highest level.  Money has always been a part of sports, but the fact that athletes make the amounts they do is ridiculous, even when they give there every effort.  But to be honest this doesn’t match up or even compare to the men and women in our military, police, firefighters, EMT, people that work in Social Services, etc.  I greatly miss going to games, and have always dreamed of going to watch the Olympics at least once. But with ticket prices as they are, and they will only go higher, it doesn’t look very attainable.  Event tickets, transportation, food, hotel, etc you add it all up.

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One of the things I have always wanted to do was skydive.  I can still remember when my dad had worked for a restaurant in Hicksville, NY that was run by skydivers, and had always wondered what would it feel like.

I also remember living in Maine, and actually looking into a 10 course program that would teach me.  It would start of as a tandem jump (which I can’t do know because of my weight, but I can work on this), then slowly move towards finally making a solo jump.  The problem, very expensive. $169-278 per dive, dependent on level, so we are talking roughly 2k.  On very rare situations has this ever been possible, but have always spent my cash on other things, like school loans, paying off the truck, etc.

I have never been one to enter halfway into the woods.  It’s either all the way, or not at all.  So I am hoping that maybe, just maybe I can create this opportunity for myself.  Then again I always have other dreams like spending time in Ireland, Scotland, Japan, Germany, Russia or any one of the Scandinavian countries.

Most of you know I don’t give in to political BS humanitarian/animal rights organizations like Greenpeace, but I have to admit a straight up video by Swiss Animal Protect really struck my gut, and it’s bullshit.

American Indians have always had a well know history of all life being sacred, although at the same time they knew the importance of skins, fur, and animal meat.  For ‘most’, they did this for survival and out of respect for all things living.  The same went for TRUE Traditional Judaic (Kosher) and Muslim (Halal) customs.   If life were to be taken it was done mercifully to the best of their ability, with thanks, and not without purpose.

This is done out of greed, and it saves money.  Just so you can get that nice faux fur at Walmart or some other money saving shop.  And trust me when I say, China is not the only ones doing this, we along with other countries have our issues.  But think about it folks, for years we fought against Communism (not Socialism, but Communism), yet a majority of the products we purchase today come from Communist countries, therefore supplying their governments with the funds to support… what… COMMUNISM and their military.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not against the Chinese people, as people, but come on people use your heads.  You donate money to help those in Haiti, yet we deal with all the other stupidity in the world and in our country.  Then again, it doesn’t matter, it’s not in my backyard.  That’s right, just sweep it under the carpet.  Makes me ashamed, not only because of us humans as a whole, but because I contribute in one way or another to this bullshit as well.

The fact is, many of us will care about this, or something, for a moment, but within a day, if not a minute later, most will care less.

Stupid people do nothing to change the world
Cowards temporarily might do something, then run off and do their own thing and forget about doing anything.
Good people help in any way they are capable.
Real Men and Women actually attempt make a change by “doing something”.

This implies for all things!

What are you?

It’s funny on how much most of us think we NEED to have a mobile phone, to the point that we continue to spend exorbitant amounts, but for what?

I did a little analysis of my phone bill after receiving a nice little add-on cost from Sprint.  Most companies will typically award you a discount if you sign up for the auto payment.  Sprint decided to go the other route, they instead are going to penalize you by charging an extra $4 unless you sign up.  This would put me at roughly $55 a month after fees and what not.  Not to bad right?  It is when you consider that fact that when you look at your usage.

I am set up on the minimal plan, but with data (which I use far more).  Most of my minutes are not used, like 80-90% of them. Majority of that 20% has been solicitors, or bills, and a small amount of that is used for work or for talking with family or a friend.  I am finding this to be a complete waste of money, especially since my phone hardly if ever rings.

So just a heads up to everyone I will be switching to a home phone.  For the 1st month or so, most of the calls will go to my computer through SKYPE, as soon as I have the $169 I will be picking up a router based SKYPE phone.  Over the two years I would need to renew my contract this would save me $1115 over the two years. SKYPE has become highly reliable over the years, and is a cost effective choice for how much I ACTUALLY use the phone.  The cool thing is I can still check my messages with my iTouch with the Skype app and a wireless network.  Now if I can find a way to use my bluetooth with my iTouch and SKYPE app we would be all set.

I just finished viewing my annual all-nighter of watching Tom Hanks and Stephen Ambrose’ “Band of Brothers”.  I can’t help but think that as much as I have done, it does not compare to all these men have given of themselves: Physically, Mentally, and Emotionally.  I can’t possibly think of a thing that could ever show my appreciation for every thing that you have given and to show my thanks.  I could only dream of a moment where I could meet each of you to shake your hand, or anyone else that gave everything.

I look back at my own life, and think about the numerous things that I, and so many others have given up for others.  I can think of Mary L, who had the shit kicked out of her to protect a youth from 9 others who were trying to attack him; or maybe it’s Mike who dislocated his arm attempting to protect his group from someone who was violent.  But none of it seems like enough.

I spend much of my time now working with mentally ill teens, many of which are not successful, either due to them being so mentally ill, or have been so far damaged by their parents.  In some ways I relate to the guys at Bastogne.  Limited tools, limited resources, and basically stuck, knowing I just need to do what I need to do knowing that perseverance just may pay off, but at the same time watching my team being worn down.  I can’t help but think of the guys that spent that time in the woods with limited food, freezing cold, and watching their brothers die around them, thinking that this is nothing compared to what they went through.

At the same time I can identify with them, that empty feeling, wondering, what is it all for, just hoping that I have the strength to persevere.